Everytime someone makes me angry, it is a great opportunity to take a close look at myself. A lot of times, when I get ticked off, it is because they are feathering my insecurities. And this great teacher is shining light upon my shadows in the dark basement.
For me, I was being told a story of my grandfather and how he was not responsible and didn’t take care of his family. He would go gambling with Yakuzas instead of being home and providing. They said he wasn’t a bad guy, he just did what was fun for him. And then I was told that he was like me.
I was annoyed by that sentiment. I felt misunderstood. But it is only possible to get angry at things that have some truth to it. Like if someone makes fun of me for having saggy tits, at most I will be confused, but if they tell me that I have a small penis… you know.
And so by being told that I am like my grandfather who fucked around and didn’t provide for the family, I realized that I am insecure about this. And I do definitely exhibit a tendency to “go with the flow,” which might just be a hippie way of saying, “I don’t want to commit and take responsibilities.”
The anger led me to feel like I wanted to prove myself. I wanted to prove that the path that I am taking will be fruitful. That I am not just chancing fun and avoiding commitments, I’m trying to gain a better understanding of the universe. Maybe if I get enlightened, I can show that I was right all along!
Then I let all that go, watching my mind move fast and furious like a meth head cleaning the house. I don’t wanna let my insecurities fuel the fire of ambition. I have nothing to prove, not to anyone, not even to myself.
So I take a bow, thanking the great teacher.